Roads

I've been thinking about my future lately. And today it was really weighing on my mind. I'm working towards my future career, so not much I can change about that. My big thing is my love life.

Where am I going to go after he's gone? I've got just about 2 months left with him. And then what? It's so hard for me to make friends, let alone go out on a date with someone.

I have what people refer to as resting bitch face. My natural, neutral face makes me seem unapproachable. In fact, I can't think of a single time that I've been approached in public. Everybody that has hit on me, has known me for awhile. Whether seeing me at work all the time and learning that i'm not what my face projects or what idk.

And even as a sort of self defense mechanism, until I get to know you a little better, I come off as an elitist bitch as well. I don't know how to make small talk, I feel like i'm getting all up in your business. I cannot keep a conversation going to save my life. And it seems like i'm uninterested.

That's really hard to work around.

Where is the road going to go after he leaves? Will I be alone for the rest of my life?  I realize that it's probably unlikely; someone else will come along, but I can't help but worry.

A Night in my Mind

Show up on my doorstep out of the blue. Talk about that truck, it makes your eyes light up so. Reach out for my hand without realizing it and continue joking about the little things. Realize we're holding hands and let go; you didn't mean for me to mean this much to you. It feels empty without you, but I know you'll be back soon.

Put your hands on my waist; I can feel your heat through my shirt. Pull me in close, just a hair away. All I smell is coconut and all I see is the happiness in your eyes. I could get lost in their depths, they see through my soul.

Pretend to bite my neck, it's my favorite game. I'll say no and try to turn away. You're stronger than me and keep me in place. You pull back a bit and smile; it warms up your face. But now you're too close; I can't hold back anymore. 

You're not much taller than me, but to my tippy toes I go. My eyes on your lips, I giggle a little bit. I go in for a light kiss. Perfection. Still on my toes, still too close. I look up through my eyelashes, your eyes are closed. A smile on your lips. 

I stay there for a second, not daring to breathe. My heart pitter patters; is this what love is? I go in for another kiss, I can't resist. Better get my fill, soon you'll be gone. Don't think of that now.

You deepen the kiss. I wrap my arms around your neck. No longer a hair away, I feel free. Amazing it seems, that this is all meant for me.

You're not really here. These visions play out all in my mind. Why can't this be easier? Do I really have to lose you? 

I'm wearing your shirt tonight. The plaid one I'm sure you have a dozen of. You don't know it's here. I'll never tell you. 

I knew I loved you long before he said anything. You felt like home so early on, how could I not? But how to admit it; how to tell you? Should I tell you? 

Questions with no answers. A riddle with no key. 

I guess we'll just have to see. 

Stick Shift

You came over again last night. We watched a movie, went out for food, and just cuddled and talked. You told me that I'm the one who you tell everything to. It doesn't really seem like it to me, but maybe it's cause we don't talk about her or your son. I'd love to hear about them sometime if you ever want to talk about them. More him, less her.

I also asked you to teach me how to drive stick shift. We'll see if it actually happens, but it would be a good thing for me to learn. Plus you like feeling manly and being smarter than me with all of the car stuff. And I would get to spend time with you which is always fun.

We've become more domestic these past couple of weeks; which is weird since I hardly ever see you outside of work. But when we're at work, you like to lightly touch me when you walk by; more of a caress really, and you've taken to giving me kisses on my cheek when there aren't people around. It's sweet really.

I tried to look nice for you yesterday since i knew we were going to spend time together. Spent extra time on my hair and makeup, put on yummy lotion. I even wore a dress cause I know you like how they look on me. "Wow you look really pretty tonight. Like really pretty." At least my efforts were appreciated. That's always nice.


On a different note, I've started working out a bit again. Doing some crunches and mountain climbers. I'm not telling anybody this time around though that way if I end up stopping yet again, nobody else will know that I suck except for me. I don't want to be thin, I just wanna be trim again. Maybe I'll have kept it up and lost enough wait by the next time you come over that you'll be so excited that you...do something? I dunno. I'm doing this for me, but your reaction and support would be greatly appreciated. Plus how great of an ego boost would that be that you wouldn't be able to keep your hands off of me?

huge.

Button Up

You left your shirt here the other night. It still smells like you and I don't want to take it off. I probably won't tell you that you forgot it. I'll just continue to wash and wear it. I'll be sad when that coconut smell wears off though.

You stayed the night again. I never could fall asleep on someones chest, but not only did I fall asleep on yours, I stayed there all night. When I woke up the next morning, I just snuggled closer. Still half asleep you wrapped your arm tighter around me and gave me a little kiss on my forehead. I can't imagine anything more blissful.

When we worked together that night, I went outside and sat down on the concrete. I don't like being cooped up in that store for so long. And it gets almost stifling with you teasing and talking to me. I just want to touch you constantly, and it's hard to resist. We were talking about the story you told me last week and how much it was messing with my thought process. I turned my back on you cause you were acting weird and you came up behind me, wrapped your arms around me, and pretended to eat my face and neck. And then planted kisses everywhere you had play-bitten.

After Frank left that night, you just randomly turned to me and said "You make me a happier person. I'm just a lot happier when you're around." Whenever I'm grumpy about a customer, you sit there and pester me until I smile, and it's adorable. When we left that night, you stopped me and gave me a couple of kisses before we had to go home.

And today when I was all moody you tried so hard to make me smile. I wasn't feeling it today, too many hormones at play this time. But I appreciate the effort nonetheless. I apologized later for my grumpiness.

Why does it feel like home whenever you hold me in your arms? My mind has been projecting you into my happy place. I can't love you. You leave in 4 months. But my 3 closest friends seem to think that  I definitely love you. If I am, do you reciprocate?

Check yes or no.