Dark Memories

We sat in the parking lot after work tonight. Had fun for about 20 minutes or so and then we got up. I assumed it was time for us to part ways, but I got a surprise instead. 

You started talking about them. And not just how you were excited to move there and see him again, but you confided in me. You told me about your relationship with her; your fears and how you imagined yourself being as a father. I didn't prompt you at  all; I don't feel it's my place to ask about them. You just turned to me and started talking to me about Father's Day and how much she had hurt you over the years. Stories and memories that shaped you into the man you are today. You finished talking about her and all the hurt and scars she had left and I just had to hug you. It almost slipped out then. Instead, I told you I thought you were a great guy and you didn't deserve any of what she does to you. I also confessed that if we were in the same situation, things would be very different.

You don't ever talk about them; at least not in great length. And definitely not about how you feel about all of it. You're a keep it to yourself kind of guy. 

I explained some of my relationship with my father; vented about her girls for a bit and how they don't understand why me and Pooka feel a bit more reserved around him. The biggest one though was Justin. I talked about our time together and the mistakes I had made with him. The pain and suffering I went through and how I changed over such a small course of time. 

We traded pain for pain. My heart hurts thinking about all that she put you through and still puts you through. I saw the pain as I talked about him and the lies that he told me. I think I got off a little easier; My time with him wasn't nearly as long as your time with her. That and I don't have to deal with him anymore. If you want to interact with your son, you have to deal with her. 

When I was done talking about him, you pulled me close and gave me a hug. You then pulled back a little bit and tried to make me smile. When I finally did, you got all smiley and said "Aw there it is." I made the ILY symbol with my hand placed it on your back. I'm still so scared to tell you, but I feel it's going to slip soon.

I'm not sure I need a label on our relationship anymore. Maybe that's just the aftereffects of tonight and I'll have a different opinion tomorrow. All I know is that you make me happy.

I'll help you carry your pain whenever you want.

Surprises

Tonight was my dad's wedding. It was good; this morning was really frustrating and exhausting, but the whole thing turned out fabulous.But that's not what I need to talk about tonight.

He told me he's decided to stay until August. Save up more money for the move, etc. Kind of surprised. Didn't really talk about it much when he told me since we were at the wedding, but when we got back to my place and were just laying in bed, I brought it up again.

He talked a little about his reasons why and I simply said: "Well I'll really miss you no matter what." He said he would too; and then added that if he was staying I'd "Already be his girlfriend."

Color me speechless. I just kinda went "Really?" Apparently I treat him really well, which isn't surprising to me.

So I don't really know how to feel at all.

But I do know that I need to go to bed.

Ice Showers and Whiskey

Your words have been ringing through my ears for days. It was Flit's birthday this weekend and even though you were sorta angry at me, you still came through for her and came to celebrate with us. You have no idea how much it means to me that you've made my friends yours. You even made peace with Mar just because she was my friend.

We made up, and had a really good time. We all were definitely feeling the alcohol, especially Flit. It really showed when she had a panic attack as we were putting her to bed. You sat with me as I tried to help her. When she got up later for water and just started crying, you hugged her and tried to comfort her. She is one of the most important people in the world to me, and it's extremely important that anyone I see gets along with her. You've gone pretty much above and beyond. 

After Flit's second panic attack, she asked to be put in the tub for a cold shower. I helped her in, turned on the water and when she asked for a moment alone I sat out in the hall for a minute to breathe. You came over, cupped my face in your hands, made me look at you and said "You're beautiful. And such a great friend. Don't give up, go in there and help her. If you need help, let me know. I'll be out here for you."

It was exactly what I needed. I went back and helped her for awhile longer. I decided she was fine, and we went to go lay down in my room. Just talking and joking around, you suddenly got this serious look on your face and said "You're so very pretty. And you don't even know." You giggled a bit and finished it off with "I really, really like you." 

You stayed over that night. Cuddled with me all night long, and didn't mind me tossing and turning. You looked sad to go the next morning and was really happy to see me the next day at work. 

I think you're starting to see what I see. Too bad there's only a month left.