Lately I've been restless. I want to run, explore, and create.
I want to run away from the things that haunt me. Run into adventure and excitement. Run into a feeling of complete bliss.
I want to explore the world around me. Explore everything with him. Go to the next town and explore every crook and cranny. Explore his home state; see the beauty that he paints for me whenever he talks about it. Find a pretty place in the woods to talk about our dream home. Discuss life and the future.
I want to create beautiful things. I want to make ornaments and meaningful things. I want to make dinner and sweets. I want to create things to put on the wall and things to use everyday.
I have no money, I have no time. These things will be done eventually. I won't have anything to run away from anymore. I'll be able to explore the world. With him and with friends. I'll create things. For myself and for others. For my children, for the future.
It'll all be okay one day.
At least that's what I keep telling myself.
Friday, November 28, 2014
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Steps
It's been awhile since I've written. There's so much going on and yet so little at the same time. I feel like my days are non stop and then I look back and see how the day ebbed and flowed.
He came over last night. I was expecting it to be a night like any other but it changed. We're getting closer- no surprise there. We were watching videos and he had his head in my lap. Marley came over and was talking to you. Watching him interact with one of my closest friends like it's no big deal makes me insanely happy. You ask about how they're doing. They're just as much a part of your life as you are of mine. You were willing to give Anna guy advice even though you've only met her once because you knew how much I already liked her, so in turn you enjoyed her as well.
Your efforts make go unnoticed by others, but they definitely don't go unnoticed by me.
Marley mentioned that I had been especially snappy this week. Things happen when I'm stressed. You were upset because I hadn't talked to you about it at all. I didn't want to bother you with it since you were on vacation. We moved to the kitchen to talk some more and after Marley left, you brought it up again to make sure I was doing alright.
We went back to my room and while we were laying in bed, we were talking about our parents. I made a joke about meeting your mom some day, you didn't seem phased at all. I mentioned that you were going to have to come with me to my moms house sometime soon and you seemed vaguely excited.
Your mom noticed you visit me a lot. She asked if I was a Special friend or if you were just seeing me to get out of the house. You told her I make you happy. I mentioned that my parents know a bit more than that. You pressed and pressed until I told you.
My parents ask about the future. How serious are we? What about marriage? What about kids? Do you see yourself with him in the long run?
I didn't tell you any of the answers that I gave them. But you didn't ask for them either. Instead, we had a conversation about marriage and family. I told you my specifications for getting married and that ideally I want to be married at 25. We figured out the logistics of my specifications and figured out that it would take about 4 years for everything to pan out the way I want it to. We're almost at a year together and there's 3 years until my 25th birthday. That definitely didn't phase you at all.
The biggest thing though is that when I met you and we started this whole thing, you were adamant that you were never ever going to get married and you were going to have a vasectomy so you couldn't have kids. Last night, you said you wanted to get married to the right person some day. Someone who makes you happy and makes you laugh. Someone that you can just have fun with. And you want to have a family with that person.
In a year, I've turned around your opinion. You are starting to think you're worth it. You know you want to be with someone who makes you happy. You are agreeable to the idea of marriage and kids again, You're open for love.
You've invited yourself over this weekend. You're for sure staying the night. You told me before you left last night that you were already excited to come back because I make you so happy and we have so much fun together.
Everyday I love you more and more. It hurts that I can't tell you yet, But watching you open up and see yourself through my eyes is a beautiful thing and I wouldn't give that up for the world.
He came over last night. I was expecting it to be a night like any other but it changed. We're getting closer- no surprise there. We were watching videos and he had his head in my lap. Marley came over and was talking to you. Watching him interact with one of my closest friends like it's no big deal makes me insanely happy. You ask about how they're doing. They're just as much a part of your life as you are of mine. You were willing to give Anna guy advice even though you've only met her once because you knew how much I already liked her, so in turn you enjoyed her as well.
Your efforts make go unnoticed by others, but they definitely don't go unnoticed by me.
Marley mentioned that I had been especially snappy this week. Things happen when I'm stressed. You were upset because I hadn't talked to you about it at all. I didn't want to bother you with it since you were on vacation. We moved to the kitchen to talk some more and after Marley left, you brought it up again to make sure I was doing alright.
We went back to my room and while we were laying in bed, we were talking about our parents. I made a joke about meeting your mom some day, you didn't seem phased at all. I mentioned that you were going to have to come with me to my moms house sometime soon and you seemed vaguely excited.
Your mom noticed you visit me a lot. She asked if I was a Special friend or if you were just seeing me to get out of the house. You told her I make you happy. I mentioned that my parents know a bit more than that. You pressed and pressed until I told you.
My parents ask about the future. How serious are we? What about marriage? What about kids? Do you see yourself with him in the long run?
I didn't tell you any of the answers that I gave them. But you didn't ask for them either. Instead, we had a conversation about marriage and family. I told you my specifications for getting married and that ideally I want to be married at 25. We figured out the logistics of my specifications and figured out that it would take about 4 years for everything to pan out the way I want it to. We're almost at a year together and there's 3 years until my 25th birthday. That definitely didn't phase you at all.
The biggest thing though is that when I met you and we started this whole thing, you were adamant that you were never ever going to get married and you were going to have a vasectomy so you couldn't have kids. Last night, you said you wanted to get married to the right person some day. Someone who makes you happy and makes you laugh. Someone that you can just have fun with. And you want to have a family with that person.
In a year, I've turned around your opinion. You are starting to think you're worth it. You know you want to be with someone who makes you happy. You are agreeable to the idea of marriage and kids again, You're open for love.
You've invited yourself over this weekend. You're for sure staying the night. You told me before you left last night that you were already excited to come back because I make you so happy and we have so much fun together.
Everyday I love you more and more. It hurts that I can't tell you yet, But watching you open up and see yourself through my eyes is a beautiful thing and I wouldn't give that up for the world.
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