The Sunrise

These last couple of months have been extremely hard. I lost the person closest to me, have had never ending drama within my home and family, went through an extended financial crisis, and dealt with a general dislike towards my character.

None of these things are solved, and yet I feel an elated feeling of hope.

I got my first paycheck from Volt tonight; it was just under $400. I immediately came home and paid 3 bills. Tomorrow I will pay one more. I'll have enough money to pay for groceries, put some money into savings, get my oil changed, and put a tank of gas in my car. Things I've had to worry about on almost a daily basis. Next week I'll get another almost $400 from Volt and close to $200 from TR. I'll be putting money into my savings on a weekly basis. I can start paying people back, I can pay for Christmas presents, I don't have to worry about food or gas or rent anymore. That feeling is irreplaceable.

I've slowly been getting the person closest to me back. Things definitely aren't perfect and I'm not sure they ever will be the same, but we're connecting again and the elation I feel knowing that someone who understands exactly who I am and knows why I do the things I do is back in my life is fantastic. I don't have to explain myself and she understands everything.

Family and home drama never will end. As soon as you think things are going well, they go down hill. And I've never really cared about what people thought about my character. I have friends who love me and a honey that adores me. My grandmother, my little sister, and I am proud of me. While I'd like my parents and their significant others to be proud of me, It's not completely necessary.

My biggest feeling of happiness comes from my body. Going through my financial crisis, I had to cut out my greatest love: fast food. Doing that made me lose about 15 pounds. While I'm unsure on whether or not I've lost anymore weight, I know I am getting trimmer. While I've always liked that I'm a curvy woman, I always liked my curves more when I was skinnier. The combined weight loss and trimmer body means that a belt that had to go 2 notches in, doesn't fit anymore. It means that jeans that used to fit snugly are getting baggy, especially in the ass area.

When I moved into this house back in August, I gave away all my jeans that didn't fit anymore. I knew that the chances of me actually committing to working out were virtually impossible and I didn't think I would be losing weight at all. However, I kept one pair: my favorite skinnies from high school. On a whim, I tried them on tonight. The last time I put them on, I couldn't get them up past my ass. Tonight they buttoned around my waist. They're the painted on kind of skinnies, and while they are a little too snug for what I like, I'm going to be able to wear them again very soon.

My honey wants me to be his gym buddy. I was going to tell him no, but being able to fit into my jeans makes me hopeful that maybe I could be a little trimmer. My weight never bothered me. I wouldn't mind weighing 200 pounds, as long as I was fit,

Knowing all this feels like a sunrise to a long night. It feels hopeful and amazing and I want to revel in it forever. In this moment I feel peace.

I hope you feel peace too.

Welcome

What happens when you're no longer welcome in your own home.

What happens when you come home and no one asks how your day was like they used to.

What happens when the person you thought was your friend no longer concerns themselves with you.

I get that I've had a bad couple of months. My depression has hit me hard and it's hard to deal with. But what kind of friends are you to just avoid me? I'm finally coming out of my depression. I have stuff to keep me busy and in a matter of weeks, I'll be able to finally start paying off everyone who helped me out the last couple of months.

Some people are getting antsy about that. It's not like i'm shirking my responsibility. If I was spending my money on things I didn't need then sure, pester me all you want. But every dollar I've gotten in the last couple of weeks has gone towards bills, gas, groceries, and rent. I'm not going out every weekend and I'm not buying frivolous unnecessary things.

But to tell me that I shouldn't buy Christmas presents because I owe you money is bullshit. You don't get to tell me what I should and shouldn't do with my money. Christmas is an important holiday to me and to my family. I will be getting Christmas presents and you'll get your money a week later. Or maybe I just won't get you a Christmas present at all.



Thanks for being my friend. Really means a lot that I'm welcome in my own home.