These last couple of months have been extremely hard. I lost the person closest to me, have had never ending drama within my home and family, went through an extended financial crisis, and dealt with a general dislike towards my character.
None of these things are solved, and yet I feel an elated feeling of hope.
I got my first paycheck from Volt tonight; it was just under $400. I immediately came home and paid 3 bills. Tomorrow I will pay one more. I'll have enough money to pay for groceries, put some money into savings, get my oil changed, and put a tank of gas in my car. Things I've had to worry about on almost a daily basis. Next week I'll get another almost $400 from Volt and close to $200 from TR. I'll be putting money into my savings on a weekly basis. I can start paying people back, I can pay for Christmas presents, I don't have to worry about food or gas or rent anymore. That feeling is irreplaceable.
I've slowly been getting the person closest to me back. Things definitely aren't perfect and I'm not sure they ever will be the same, but we're connecting again and the elation I feel knowing that someone who understands exactly who I am and knows why I do the things I do is back in my life is fantastic. I don't have to explain myself and she understands everything.
Family and home drama never will end. As soon as you think things are going well, they go down hill. And I've never really cared about what people thought about my character. I have friends who love me and a honey that adores me. My grandmother, my little sister, and I am proud of me. While I'd like my parents and their significant others to be proud of me, It's not completely necessary.
My biggest feeling of happiness comes from my body. Going through my financial crisis, I had to cut out my greatest love: fast food. Doing that made me lose about 15 pounds. While I'm unsure on whether or not I've lost anymore weight, I know I am getting trimmer. While I've always liked that I'm a curvy woman, I always liked my curves more when I was skinnier. The combined weight loss and trimmer body means that a belt that had to go 2 notches in, doesn't fit anymore. It means that jeans that used to fit snugly are getting baggy, especially in the ass area.
When I moved into this house back in August, I gave away all my jeans that didn't fit anymore. I knew that the chances of me actually committing to working out were virtually impossible and I didn't think I would be losing weight at all. However, I kept one pair: my favorite skinnies from high school. On a whim, I tried them on tonight. The last time I put them on, I couldn't get them up past my ass. Tonight they buttoned around my waist. They're the painted on kind of skinnies, and while they are a little too snug for what I like, I'm going to be able to wear them again very soon.
My honey wants me to be his gym buddy. I was going to tell him no, but being able to fit into my jeans makes me hopeful that maybe I could be a little trimmer. My weight never bothered me. I wouldn't mind weighing 200 pounds, as long as I was fit,
Knowing all this feels like a sunrise to a long night. It feels hopeful and amazing and I want to revel in it forever. In this moment I feel peace.
I hope you feel peace too.
No comments:
Post a Comment