It's been years since i've felt this happy. You're blazin' a trail through my life. A trail of sunshine. I can't go 10 seconds without thinking how amazing you are and how much you complete my life. You're there, always. Even now when i'm at NIACC, my mind keeps telling me that you'll be coming down the stairs any minute now and you'll sit next to me and we'll talk and giggle and grand ole time as usual.
It's also been years since i've had a true nightmare. Yeah sure I've had scary dreams. Or no dreams at all, which is almost kinda scary too. But a nightmare? I don't remember the last one I had. And I don't ever remember having dreams this intense. It felt like it was actually happening. And that scares me so much. Justin had kidnapped me and was torturing me. And he was playing on my emotions and keeping me from running away or doing anything about it by torturing Mili. As much as I dislike Mili, she's still a human being. She still has feelings and she feels pain. My empathy overpowered my need to protect myself. It always will and dream Justin knew that. Luke played the hero in the nightmare. I told him he needed to call the police, that Justin was crazy and torturing us. But the police were stupid and called me to make sure that he wasn't lying. More torturing ensued. Screams that I don't think I can ever forget still ring in my mind. I don't want to sleep again. I don't know how I slept after that nightmare. But my mind gave me a break and I went back to my usual darkness. AKA non dream land
You were there comforting me. I don't know why you did, but i'm glad you were there. I don't think I would've been able to stay in the house after that dream. At least not that night. I would've had to drive around, cry, be cold cause it's winter in Iowa again, just nowhere near the house. This dream is going to haunt me for awhile. And I doubt it'll be the last time I see it. It'll be in the back of my mind whenever I fall asleep, and my brain will pull it forward and I'll relive it once again. I hope you're ok with losing sleep. And if not, then you should stay at your house. I have a feeling you'll be losing a lot of it.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Shaking Skin
Yesterday was horrible. You came over to my house and trashed it again. You found out Luke had been sleeping over so you decided to slash the bed and his pillow and then steal my pillows. And then when I showed up, you tried to violate me. I don't know why you think i'm a whore. I'm not and you know it. If I was, I would've been more willing to sex it up with you except for the once every 2 weeks you got. And even that was reluctant.
I think your issue is that you expected me to be sad and depressed for weeks and months. You wanted me to beg you to take me back and to be a good little girl and stay true to something that was never going to work out. It infuriates you that I moved on and that i'm happy and that I don't want you back at all. In fact, I want you out of my life permanently. I never want to see your face again. You were the one who broke up with me, so you think you should be the one to move on first, because you're the one who initiated the break up. That's a stupid thought process, and I doubt anyone will want to date you anymore anyways. You have anger issues up the wazoo and you can't control yourself. There's something wrong with you but no one will tell you because they're scared of your anger. You need help, and you need to get back on all of those pills. The doctors you saw when you were younger were right.
Last week sometime, I told you that there was nothing you could say or do that could hurt me anymore. I obviously didn't think you'd take it as far as you have. You cut my piano, ripped up my music, and threw my valuables, and then again with the violating. I realize that many people think that trying to kiss someone isn't violating them, but I feel dirty all the same. That and when I was trying to save Bruce, I accidentally backed myself up against you because I knew that's where I had the most strength. You made a comment towards our sex life and proceeded to try and kiss me again. You left not 5 minutes later and I broke down. I was hysterical. You found the knives I never thought you'd use and stabbed me over and over again. I cried, I bawled. I couldn't breath, I started choking. I had to run to the bathroom to empty my stomach and then I still cried. I calmed down enough to go play my piano and realized you had cut the keys too. An eternal reminder for whenever I play. I broke down again. I started playing a song I thought was in a book you hadn't ripped. When I realized it was a piece of sheet music and you had destroyed it, I broke down yet again. So many knives just running through me. I didn't want to be alive in that moment.
Luke came over about an hour after you left. I was still hysterical, but I had it under control enough that he couldn't see it (or at least not all of it.) I showed and told him everything you did, and he held me. This is what relationships were supposed to be about. The love of another person helping you get over things that happened. Something you never helped me with. He wanted me to be safe in case you came back over that night and decided to really violate me, so I stayed at his parents house. They welcomed me in, they protected me from you. Someone I never thought I would have to be protected from. I'll be back there tonight, safe from you and your antics.
But i'm still scared. I've never wanted to run more in my life. Nothing my dad ever did made me feel this scared for my life, for my friends life. You've surpassed my worst nightmare. Several people know how hard that is to do. But I have come to hate you. I can't remember the 'good times' because the past two weeks keep popping up in my head. I will never forgive you. Ever. And that's a promise.
I think your issue is that you expected me to be sad and depressed for weeks and months. You wanted me to beg you to take me back and to be a good little girl and stay true to something that was never going to work out. It infuriates you that I moved on and that i'm happy and that I don't want you back at all. In fact, I want you out of my life permanently. I never want to see your face again. You were the one who broke up with me, so you think you should be the one to move on first, because you're the one who initiated the break up. That's a stupid thought process, and I doubt anyone will want to date you anymore anyways. You have anger issues up the wazoo and you can't control yourself. There's something wrong with you but no one will tell you because they're scared of your anger. You need help, and you need to get back on all of those pills. The doctors you saw when you were younger were right.
Last week sometime, I told you that there was nothing you could say or do that could hurt me anymore. I obviously didn't think you'd take it as far as you have. You cut my piano, ripped up my music, and threw my valuables, and then again with the violating. I realize that many people think that trying to kiss someone isn't violating them, but I feel dirty all the same. That and when I was trying to save Bruce, I accidentally backed myself up against you because I knew that's where I had the most strength. You made a comment towards our sex life and proceeded to try and kiss me again. You left not 5 minutes later and I broke down. I was hysterical. You found the knives I never thought you'd use and stabbed me over and over again. I cried, I bawled. I couldn't breath, I started choking. I had to run to the bathroom to empty my stomach and then I still cried. I calmed down enough to go play my piano and realized you had cut the keys too. An eternal reminder for whenever I play. I broke down again. I started playing a song I thought was in a book you hadn't ripped. When I realized it was a piece of sheet music and you had destroyed it, I broke down yet again. So many knives just running through me. I didn't want to be alive in that moment.
Luke came over about an hour after you left. I was still hysterical, but I had it under control enough that he couldn't see it (or at least not all of it.) I showed and told him everything you did, and he held me. This is what relationships were supposed to be about. The love of another person helping you get over things that happened. Something you never helped me with. He wanted me to be safe in case you came back over that night and decided to really violate me, so I stayed at his parents house. They welcomed me in, they protected me from you. Someone I never thought I would have to be protected from. I'll be back there tonight, safe from you and your antics.
But i'm still scared. I've never wanted to run more in my life. Nothing my dad ever did made me feel this scared for my life, for my friends life. You've surpassed my worst nightmare. Several people know how hard that is to do. But I have come to hate you. I can't remember the 'good times' because the past two weeks keep popping up in my head. I will never forgive you. Ever. And that's a promise.
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