I should be ecstatic right now. He said he would go with me to my dads wedding. I asked him weeks ago and he finally gave me his answer tonight. And then he mentioned leaving again.
I'm happy he's going with me. But with the wedding just about a month away, that means that him leaving is not much farther off either. He decided he was moving for sure; she gave him an ultimatum that he couldn't ignore.
All I hear is clocks ticking. Time passing that I can never get back. All I want is to pause it and spend eternity with him. But we've got maybe 2 months left together and then he's gone. Probably forever. He'll have new struggles out there and there won't be time for me.
What do I do when he's gone? He has such a profound effect on me. Like i'm jealous now; and I've never been a jealous person before.
We hired someone new a couple weeks ago and she started today. Young and pretty with long blonde hair. She has a tongue piercing and she can feed his tobacco addiction when he doesn't have enough money to supply it. She's 19. His age cutoff is 21 because of the generation gap. I know she's not what he's described as what he likes in a girl. But watching them interact today just filled me with jealousy and anger. I'm worried that he'll find her more desirable and "leave" me.
tick tock.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Rolling Eyes
You're back from your weekend with them. It seemed to take a lot longer than 4 days but I'm glad you're back. You came and visited me at work the night you got back; or I assume that's what it was since I highly doubt you missed the CBR that much while you were gone. He walked to you when you got there and he's started saying "Dada." Your eyes get so bright when you talk of him. Your smile, so wide.
We worked together last night. You kept telling me that you missed me and pulling me into that hidden area away from the cameras to just hold me and give me little kisses. And then after work we sat out by my car just talking and telling stories. Punctuating the ends of our sentences with more kisses.
I was telling you about my insecurity with my eye; that I never know when it's moving around and I don't know how it looks to people or what people think about it. You told me you don't ever really notice it anymore and you never thought it was weird or made me less attractive. You even told me a story about laying in bed with me and I yawned. You watched my eye move around and it made you laugh a little bit but you thought it was cute.
You have no idea how happy that made me. I honestly couldn't care less about what people think about me or how I look, but for some reason my eye really bothers me. And you just accept that the movement happens. I didn't even tell you about being blind until semi-recently so it's not like you even knew the reason behind it. You just accepted it, and that really means a lot.
I think you're definitely leaning more into relationship territory now. You try to sneak kisses and I always see you watching me at work. You called me Sweetie before you left and Honey when you got back. And you sent me a kissy face when we were texting tonight. I feel like the names and the emoticon shouldn't be as big a deal as I'm making them out to be, but this is new territory. We don't have pet names for each other; we don't send the kissy face at all.
I want this to happen more than anything. I wonder if you're waiting until one of us leaves Subway though so we don't have to hide anymore. You have that Janitor job and I might be doing an internship. Which I really hope I get. I dunno.
Like my friend likes to say: "If only I had a crystal ball."
We worked together last night. You kept telling me that you missed me and pulling me into that hidden area away from the cameras to just hold me and give me little kisses. And then after work we sat out by my car just talking and telling stories. Punctuating the ends of our sentences with more kisses.
I was telling you about my insecurity with my eye; that I never know when it's moving around and I don't know how it looks to people or what people think about it. You told me you don't ever really notice it anymore and you never thought it was weird or made me less attractive. You even told me a story about laying in bed with me and I yawned. You watched my eye move around and it made you laugh a little bit but you thought it was cute.
You have no idea how happy that made me. I honestly couldn't care less about what people think about me or how I look, but for some reason my eye really bothers me. And you just accept that the movement happens. I didn't even tell you about being blind until semi-recently so it's not like you even knew the reason behind it. You just accepted it, and that really means a lot.
I think you're definitely leaning more into relationship territory now. You try to sneak kisses and I always see you watching me at work. You called me Sweetie before you left and Honey when you got back. And you sent me a kissy face when we were texting tonight. I feel like the names and the emoticon shouldn't be as big a deal as I'm making them out to be, but this is new territory. We don't have pet names for each other; we don't send the kissy face at all.
I want this to happen more than anything. I wonder if you're waiting until one of us leaves Subway though so we don't have to hide anymore. You have that Janitor job and I might be doing an internship. Which I really hope I get. I dunno.
Like my friend likes to say: "If only I had a crystal ball."
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Relief and Guilt
He might be staying. Let me repeat that. HE MIGHT BE STAYING!
It all depends on what happens with his baby momma when he goes up there in 2 weeks. If she wants to talk and the talk goes well, he's going. If she refuses to talk and make a plan with him, he's staying.
I want him to stay so so much. But at the same time, I know he really wants to be with his son.
Even if he doesn't stay, he's pushed back his supposed moving date uantil the end of June. He also offered to go to my dad's wedding with me as support against my step-sisters. I'll probably take him up on that offer.
That is all
It all depends on what happens with his baby momma when he goes up there in 2 weeks. If she wants to talk and the talk goes well, he's going. If she refuses to talk and make a plan with him, he's staying.
I want him to stay so so much. But at the same time, I know he really wants to be with his son.
Even if he doesn't stay, he's pushed back his supposed moving date uantil the end of June. He also offered to go to my dad's wedding with me as support against my step-sisters. I'll probably take him up on that offer.
That is all
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