An Insignificant Weekend

This weekend has been a bad one. Emotionally more than anything else.

My step mom invited me to girls night last night. I broke other plans to go to it for the sake of trying to be somewhat of a family. It got canceled; which normally would be fine, but I didn't find out that it was canceled until I showed up for the event and no one else was there. J was in her pajamas even. They forgot they had even invited me so then they forgot they needed to tell me it was canceled.

I live in a house where no one likes me. And since our last fight, I've pretty much just been ignoring them and they've been ignoring me. That's fine, I don't mind being alone. But every once in awhile, I need company. And when none of my 3 friends are available, I get lonely. I needed a friend last night when I found out my own family had forgotten me. No one was available.

People generally dislike me when they meet me. It's become so commonplace now that I pretty much expect people to not like me. I've never had an issue with it, but when loneliness hits me so hard that I can't breathe, I always wish people liked me more.

With all of these combined, I felt insignificant last night. Did anybody care? If I disappeared tomorrow, who would notice? Who would really want me back? Do I even make a mark on this world?

I know those all sound like suicidal thoughts, but suicide has never been a big thought in my mind. I couldn't take my own life, and I hope someone would miss me.

Early into the morning, I was still feeling insignificant and thinking about things that I shouldn't have. I haven't seen my mother since Christmas. I don't know what happened between moving to and from Iowa, but our relationship changed. She was once one of my very best friends. We talked about anything and everything. Now I hardly ever talk to her. In fact, I don't even feel welcome in her house.

I finally passed out from crying so much and felt better when I woke up this morning. Was doing quite fine until Joey snapped at me from out of nowhere. I tried to make a joke over text and I got the reply "What the fuck is your problem?" We don't ever snap at each other. We've never been in a fight. But instead of saying sorry when he realized that I wasn't being bitchy, it was "my bad." Do I not mean enough to get a sorry? Here comes feeling insignificant again.

Is anybody out there? Can anyone hear me? Please, I must matter to someone.