Till Death Do Us Part

My baby is gone. I will never see him again, pet him again, cuddle with him. Never. Nothing has ever hit me this hard.

I was abruptly woken up this morning by my neighbor. Fatty had gotten into her yard, and her 3 dogs attacked him. She wanted his owner to get him, so he could feel love and not be as scared. As soon as I saw him, I knew he was gone. There was blood trickling from his stomach where one of the dogs had bitten him. 

He moved. I let myself have hope he was still alive. But I knew. How could I be so stupid? I just finished that Forensic Anthropology class. I knew about postmortem muscle spasms. Another movement. My neighbor drove us to her vet. The nurses took him back and I was put in an exam room while they looked to see what they could do.

The vet came back with the news. He'd been dead for a bit; he didn't die on their table. I told him about the movements; he explained the postmortem muscle spasms. How would he know that I knew? 

I would be able to deal with it a little bit better if I knew that he died comfortably at an old age. He was lying in dirt; which he loved rolling in. He might have been sunbathing; which he definitely loved. But Fatty wasn't old. He would've been 9 this summer. It's not young by any means, but it was before his time. He died in agony. It wasn't a painless death where he fell asleep and didn't wake up. He was attacked. He was in pain. He was not comfortable.

I can already feel myself spiraling. I don't want to work, eat, go to school, or talk to anybody. I don't even want to sleep. 

My last memento of Fatty is a dirty paw print in plaster. The last picture we took together was on Valentines Day. 

I can still see him walking down the halls. I go into the bathroom expecting to see him laying on the rugs, belly up. I keep thinking I'm going to hear him meowing at my door. Wanting to be let in. Wanting to cuddle. 

My little Fatty Cupcake, my Baby Zin. 

I will always miss you. I will always love you. Wherever you are now, please know that.

I'm so sorry. 

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

We went to the Renaissance Faire today and had the absolute best time. I hadn't been for almost a decade and you had never been so we weren't exactly sure what to expect, and I don't think either of us expected to be there for as long as we were.

Even the drive up to Gold Canyon was fun, Talking about random things, kinda catching up, mostly just talking about the important little things. Family, what we think about religion, etc. It's nice that those conversations come up all the time now.

For the first couple of hours at the faire, we just walked around. Took in the sites, looked at a couple of ye olde shoppes. We saw a show when I started feeling nauseous, although sword swallowing is probably not the best show to see when you're feeling a bit sick...

We spent a lot of time at the individual games. Paintball, Archery, Crossbow, Ninja Stars, and Ax Throw. We split all but the Ax Throw so that it wasn't crazy expensive. You found out I'm actually a decent shot. It was funny to see your shock and amazement. And you did the strongman and actually rang the bell. Ye Olde Kyng :)

More laughing and joking. You made a joke about us living together. But the thing about you making jokes about stuff like that, means that it's actually crossed your mind, You've thought a bit about it and you don't think it'll make it weird to joke about it. It's almost your version of testing the waters. See how I react to the joke.

You think of me as yours. Which is kind of a "Duh." thing, but it's always nice to hear you say it; just in case i'm wrong. You also want to make our trip to the Ren Faire a yearly thing. They say planning ahead in terms of future instead of plans is always a good sign in a relationship. I know it makes me happy.

I wanted to do a caricature of us. I expected you to try to talk me out of it, but you were pretty excited for it. I told you next year we'd have to do the period costume pics.

Every time we have a great time, I always think that I couldn't fall for you more. And every time we have even a greater time, That gets proven wrong. Previously my favorite memories were of us laying in bed, just talking about everything. After today, it's definitely the Ren Faire. I always love seeing what the future holds for us.

An Insignificant Weekend

This weekend has been a bad one. Emotionally more than anything else.

My step mom invited me to girls night last night. I broke other plans to go to it for the sake of trying to be somewhat of a family. It got canceled; which normally would be fine, but I didn't find out that it was canceled until I showed up for the event and no one else was there. J was in her pajamas even. They forgot they had even invited me so then they forgot they needed to tell me it was canceled.

I live in a house where no one likes me. And since our last fight, I've pretty much just been ignoring them and they've been ignoring me. That's fine, I don't mind being alone. But every once in awhile, I need company. And when none of my 3 friends are available, I get lonely. I needed a friend last night when I found out my own family had forgotten me. No one was available.

People generally dislike me when they meet me. It's become so commonplace now that I pretty much expect people to not like me. I've never had an issue with it, but when loneliness hits me so hard that I can't breathe, I always wish people liked me more.

With all of these combined, I felt insignificant last night. Did anybody care? If I disappeared tomorrow, who would notice? Who would really want me back? Do I even make a mark on this world?

I know those all sound like suicidal thoughts, but suicide has never been a big thought in my mind. I couldn't take my own life, and I hope someone would miss me.

Early into the morning, I was still feeling insignificant and thinking about things that I shouldn't have. I haven't seen my mother since Christmas. I don't know what happened between moving to and from Iowa, but our relationship changed. She was once one of my very best friends. We talked about anything and everything. Now I hardly ever talk to her. In fact, I don't even feel welcome in her house.

I finally passed out from crying so much and felt better when I woke up this morning. Was doing quite fine until Joey snapped at me from out of nowhere. I tried to make a joke over text and I got the reply "What the fuck is your problem?" We don't ever snap at each other. We've never been in a fight. But instead of saying sorry when he realized that I wasn't being bitchy, it was "my bad." Do I not mean enough to get a sorry? Here comes feeling insignificant again.

Is anybody out there? Can anyone hear me? Please, I must matter to someone.

Here and Now

We've been growing stronger. I thought we were faltering last weekend, but when I spent Friday night with you, I saw what was really happening.

You walked through the door and the first thing you did was hug me for a really long time. Minutes long. We kept repeating all through the night, "I missed you so much." I finished getting ready and you told me I looked like a redneck. Which in your book, means a lot. That's basically your equivalent of beautiful. Redneck is not a style I aspire to have, but for you? Anything.

You went out with me and my dad's side of the family. It was a crowded bar, which gives you anxiety, but you endured it. You knew how much I don't care for my stepsisters and their boyfriends and you sat there and threw shade with me. You critiqued how often Michael touched Dani and when they put a stool between them, you just about had a field day. "We're winning," you whispered in my ear. Or yelled because it was a really loud bar and that's the only way you can talk.

We went to our usual bar afterwards, still with the majority of my family. You did a karaoke song, and did absolutely wonderful. My family? Definitely impressed. They had closed down the kitchen by the time we had arrived, so we all ended up going to Denny's at that point. Laughing and joking all the way in, it felt like it was just us.

We started talking about your little brother for some reason. You mentioned that he had learned from your previous relationships not to get too attached to girls that he didn't know much about. I made a joke about how you were so attached to me. "I am though. If I end up getting the job in Portland, you're gonna have to visit all the time." I swear to god I glowed.

You were grilled a little bit by my family and then we went back to my house. Cuddled for a bit and you ended up falling asleep. When you woke up 20 minutes later, you didn't want to leave. Too bad you borrowed your mom's car. It took you another 20 minutes to get out of bed and go home.

Can I just say that if you end up staying here, I can't wait until either of us gets our own place? Or more of I can't wait until you get your own place? I don't think you realize how often I'd be over. I'd pop over to make you dinner before you got home, or just to come sleep in the same bed as you. Hell, at this point in our relationship, I'm not sure I wouldn't mind living with you. But is that a step you're willing to take? It all depends on whether or not you stay here or go to Portland I guess.

A lot is riding on that job. As much as I want you to have your dream job, I can't help but wish you didn't get it so that I can still have you. It makes me wanna cry every time I think about you possibly leaving. To go from seeing you once a week to seeing you every couple of months? You don't understand that I need you. Not in a "I can't live without you" kind of way though. More of a you revitalize me in ways I never understood. Texts are definitely helpful, but when you're here and I can touch you, smell you, and see your movements. I feel this energy, this love, this something emanating from my soul. It's a drug I can't quit. And if you leave you take it with you.

Stay. As selfish as it is for me to ask it.

Just please stay.

The Sunrise

These last couple of months have been extremely hard. I lost the person closest to me, have had never ending drama within my home and family, went through an extended financial crisis, and dealt with a general dislike towards my character.

None of these things are solved, and yet I feel an elated feeling of hope.

I got my first paycheck from Volt tonight; it was just under $400. I immediately came home and paid 3 bills. Tomorrow I will pay one more. I'll have enough money to pay for groceries, put some money into savings, get my oil changed, and put a tank of gas in my car. Things I've had to worry about on almost a daily basis. Next week I'll get another almost $400 from Volt and close to $200 from TR. I'll be putting money into my savings on a weekly basis. I can start paying people back, I can pay for Christmas presents, I don't have to worry about food or gas or rent anymore. That feeling is irreplaceable.

I've slowly been getting the person closest to me back. Things definitely aren't perfect and I'm not sure they ever will be the same, but we're connecting again and the elation I feel knowing that someone who understands exactly who I am and knows why I do the things I do is back in my life is fantastic. I don't have to explain myself and she understands everything.

Family and home drama never will end. As soon as you think things are going well, they go down hill. And I've never really cared about what people thought about my character. I have friends who love me and a honey that adores me. My grandmother, my little sister, and I am proud of me. While I'd like my parents and their significant others to be proud of me, It's not completely necessary.

My biggest feeling of happiness comes from my body. Going through my financial crisis, I had to cut out my greatest love: fast food. Doing that made me lose about 15 pounds. While I'm unsure on whether or not I've lost anymore weight, I know I am getting trimmer. While I've always liked that I'm a curvy woman, I always liked my curves more when I was skinnier. The combined weight loss and trimmer body means that a belt that had to go 2 notches in, doesn't fit anymore. It means that jeans that used to fit snugly are getting baggy, especially in the ass area.

When I moved into this house back in August, I gave away all my jeans that didn't fit anymore. I knew that the chances of me actually committing to working out were virtually impossible and I didn't think I would be losing weight at all. However, I kept one pair: my favorite skinnies from high school. On a whim, I tried them on tonight. The last time I put them on, I couldn't get them up past my ass. Tonight they buttoned around my waist. They're the painted on kind of skinnies, and while they are a little too snug for what I like, I'm going to be able to wear them again very soon.

My honey wants me to be his gym buddy. I was going to tell him no, but being able to fit into my jeans makes me hopeful that maybe I could be a little trimmer. My weight never bothered me. I wouldn't mind weighing 200 pounds, as long as I was fit,

Knowing all this feels like a sunrise to a long night. It feels hopeful and amazing and I want to revel in it forever. In this moment I feel peace.

I hope you feel peace too.

Welcome

What happens when you're no longer welcome in your own home.

What happens when you come home and no one asks how your day was like they used to.

What happens when the person you thought was your friend no longer concerns themselves with you.

I get that I've had a bad couple of months. My depression has hit me hard and it's hard to deal with. But what kind of friends are you to just avoid me? I'm finally coming out of my depression. I have stuff to keep me busy and in a matter of weeks, I'll be able to finally start paying off everyone who helped me out the last couple of months.

Some people are getting antsy about that. It's not like i'm shirking my responsibility. If I was spending my money on things I didn't need then sure, pester me all you want. But every dollar I've gotten in the last couple of weeks has gone towards bills, gas, groceries, and rent. I'm not going out every weekend and I'm not buying frivolous unnecessary things.

But to tell me that I shouldn't buy Christmas presents because I owe you money is bullshit. You don't get to tell me what I should and shouldn't do with my money. Christmas is an important holiday to me and to my family. I will be getting Christmas presents and you'll get your money a week later. Or maybe I just won't get you a Christmas present at all.



Thanks for being my friend. Really means a lot that I'm welcome in my own home.

Desires

Lately I've been restless. I want to run, explore, and create.

I want to run away from the things that haunt me. Run into adventure and excitement. Run into a feeling of complete bliss.

I want to explore the world around me. Explore everything with him. Go to the next town and explore every crook and cranny. Explore his home state; see the beauty that he paints for me whenever he talks about it. Find a pretty place in the woods to talk about our dream home. Discuss life and the future.

I want to create beautiful things. I want to make ornaments and meaningful things. I want to make dinner and sweets. I want to create things to put on the wall and things to use everyday.

I have no money, I have no time. These things will be done eventually. I won't have anything to run away from anymore. I'll be able to explore the world. With him and with friends. I'll create things. For myself and for others. For my children, for the future.

It'll all be okay one day.


At least that's what I keep telling myself.