Nocturnal Ways

Each day I spend with you just gets better and better. While the day we started dating is still number one on my list, the past 2 nights make it in my top 10. Especially last night. We talk, we kiss, we talk, we kiss. An ever-evolving evening that ended in perfection. This cycle makes me feel giddy even thinking about it. Falling asleep with you was heaven. And waking up with you still there made me happy too. I really love you, even though it's only been 2 days. It doesn't scare me that you're already talking about marriage and kids. It does scare me that your parents were the ones that suggested we move in together.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, is Justin. He's been harassing me this last week and then out of nowhere yesterday he decided to tell me he still loves me and that he was just being an asshole to push me away. God that made me so mad. He thinks i'm the one playing games and then he goes and does this? I won't be any part of it. This last week has turned off any sort of romantic feelings I have for him. You can't call me a slut, publicly slander me, and destroy/ steal my stuff and then expect me to be okay with it all when you say you still love me. You have no excuse for any of it. You never will.

Despite it all, I hope you figure things out. You're misguided and you trust the wrong people. Your evolving circle of friends creates a pressure to satisfy everyone so much so that you lash out at the people who truly care for you. I hope you find real friends soon. These ones won't be around much longer and you'll be left out in the cold again, wishing you hadn't done what you're doing now. I'm sure you'll be flitting in and out of my life for the next couple of years, checking in, figuring out where you went wrong. I will always remember you and you'll be a cautionary tale to tell my kids in the coming decades. But you'll never be anything more than an acquaintance. I can't have you flipping my life upside down again. I can get used to the balance and support Luke provides. He's an amazing guy and I don't know why he wants to be with me, especially since he knows all of my faults.

I can't wait for tonight. Using your texts as an indicator, i'm thinking you left another surprise for me at work. While that's exciting, I'm more looking forward to when I get off of work. I'm sure you'll be coming over again tonight and i'll fall more in love with you and share more about myself because of it. I love you Luke :) and I love you too Flit M'dear :) Say hi to Lottie Dottie and Liam Gazelle for me ;)

Oh btw Flit: if thats what they come out to be, I will be calling them that. The nickname sticks. <3 Meiko

Cloud 900

Never in a million years would I have believed you if you said all the way back in July that Justin would hate me right now and that I would be dating my best friend. In fact, I still don't believe it, and we've been dating for like what? 10 hours now? Wow isn't that a lifetime haha :)

I know I moved on fast, I know people are going to talk, I know people will say that I cheated or that i'm a slut, or even that I didn't really care about Justin. But none of it's true. I didn't start falling for Luke until after Justin decided I wasn't worth his time. I just happened to take a nosedive instead of falling with style. And i'm ok with that. At this point in time, I am the happiest I have ever been while living in Iowa. Which is astounding to me. I was engaged. To an asshole none the less, but still engaged.

There's a song that's been running through my head for a couple of days now. This is that song. While it's very cheesy, it's still true.

And we're gonna be the talk of the 'office'. Which I already am because of the whole Justin debacle, but this is different. Especially since people won't be talking to us about it, they'll be talking to each other and keeping us out of the loop. Many people will be surprised. That's just cause like absolutely no one knew that we were even friends, let along best friends. But dating doesn't change that at all. It just adds another layer of things on. Like an onion haha :)

Luke and I talked about this a little bit this morning, but when I was in jr. high just starting to like guys, my dad told me that one day I was going to marry my best friend. Me being me, my response was "But my best friend is a girl. I don't wanna marry a girl dad!" But I realize that marriage is jumping the gun by just a lot, but you have to fall for someone before you marry them. And i'm falling hard. I'm not trying to insinuate anything since I JUST got out of a relationship that obviously moved too fast, so i'd prefer to move a bit slower and marriage is the farthest thing from my mind right now.

This morning I was shaking I was so happy. I'm still on cloud 900. There are very few things that could bring me off of this -natural- high. (oh snap! What now bitch?) I love Luke. I know him and I are going to be amazing together and that he's going to be 10x better that Justin in every single way imaginable. He won't give up, he won't leave, and he will never hurt me on purpose. How do I know this? It's in his gorgeous blue eyes. The windows to the soul.

I'm still on such a high, I have no idea what to write. More for later I suppose :)

Happy Face

We just spent the last 9.5 hours together. Is this becoming a regular thing? I hope so. You always make me laugh and smile and I feel at peace when you're around. I know if I tell you my problems, you'll listen and if you have sage advice to offer, you do so.

Usually people end up waiting like months to get this close to me. I have walls for a reason. But basically from the very first day I met you, they've been down. And I don't want them back up. I feel like I have no need for them. You're not going to hurt me, I know this with all the conviction I can muster. It's scary that I trust you as much as I do and we've known each other for less than half a year. But I wouldn't trade this relationship for anything. I don't care if it would make Justin's bullshit go away. You're worth going through that hell.

9.5 hours together, and we did what we do best. Talked. I don't care what we do though. Lately every night we've been hanging out has made my top 5 list. I may just have to make a separate list for you so that other people have a chance to make the first list.

Our friendship is amazingly perfect right now. We treat each other as equals and we listen to each other and try to help with day-to-day problems. There's no conflict as of yet, and I doubt there will ever be any real conflict between us. All I know is that this friendship means everything to me. I would give up everything and die for you if you asked or ever needed me to. Happy doesn't convey my feelings right now. I'm so much more than happy. And it's because I love you and you love me.

I think it's time for bed. G'night ya'll! <3

Van Talk

Today was amazing. There's no other way to describe it. Woke up, got dressed, hung out with Luke for like 9.5 hours straight and then am now back in my bed.

We talked and talked and talked. And if SOMEONE didn't have to go to work, i'm sure we'd still be sitting somewhere talking. Cause we're besties like that. The thing is, I've never been able to do that. At least not with a guy. Luke is just so easy to talk to, and I know he won't judge me if I rant or complain or even confess something. I'm not scared of being hurt when i'm with him. It's nice to have a friend make you feel that way. Especially when you realize that's kinda what all the last relationship was. You being scared of being hurt.

Justin broke up with me 2 days ago. I don't really feel any pain from it. Sure, my heart throbs a bit, but the Justin I lost isn't the Justin I wanted to marry. Luke has helped me in that department. Like a ton. 2 hours at McDonalds the first night I was single and then now today. He's there for me, he's got my back, and he's making sure I realize I deserve better than what Justin was providing me with. He's showing me all the things that everyone else saw and didn't have the guts to point out. And he's right, I do deserve better.

I don't really have anything else to add besides that i'm happy. And that I love Luke. BFFL! <3

A Cold Drift

I thought we were doing better. Crisis was averted and I was fine again. Now you don't want to talk to me, and you won't say you love me. Pretty much once a week for the last couple of months, you've told me you don't want to lose me. For the last 2 months, you said it feels like i'm pulling away from you. You were wrong, I was getting closer. You were the one pulling away. And you still are. You're pushing me away from you, when I just want to help you and be close to you again. It's breaking my heart. I don't want to cry myself to sleep every night wishing you were here to hold me. This thing that you're doing is hurting more than you know. On the opposite spectrum, I know we don't belong together. I can feel it in my heart. The guy I fell in love with, the guy that I said yes to when I proposed, he's gone missing. He's disappeared into thin air, and I don't think he's coming back. That guy told me he gave up some stuff so he could be with me. That guy would've never lied to me or stolen from me. This new guy insists that these things are a part of who he is, and if I can't accept them, then we can't be together. The only way I can be fine with them though, is if you don't taunt me with them like you did this morning. It was unacceptable. I love you with all my heart, but this is where my turn is. Our story isn't finished yet. I'm still going to try to reasons that even I don't understand. I hope I can make you happy again, and I hope I end up being wrong. But with the way this is heading, I don't think I will be. It's only a matter of time before one of us snaps and gives up. I can't end this on a happy note. I'm too far down and i'm only sinking further.

Flippin Leaves

I guess today gets 3 posts, even if only two of them are about how i'm doing/ what i'm feeling. So, I added a friend from school on FB earlier this week and we really started talking today. As sad as I am about the things that are going on around me, I realize he's in an even worse situation. At least in my perspective. He asked out this girl he really liked and she went out with his best friend. But she still kept him around to play with while his friend wasn't around. She ended up fucking with him so much that he had to check himself into a mental facility. Now that he's out and attending college, she still talks to him, and he puts up with it because if he walks away, basically all of his friends do too. Which is HORRIBLE! Anyways, so I'm happier now. Not as down. My nap probably helped with that just a lot cause ya'know 4 hours of sleep is not going to put you in the greatest of moods anyways. Oh and on the upside, usually I would be at work right now, but since this is the first of 3 days off, i'm not. YAY ME! Peace out yo.

"Something Else"

Stolen from Lukes FB page since he has a plethora of them This is seriously going to get personal, you ready? whatever. If you were caught cheating, would you fess up? Yes I would The last time you felt honestly broken? Right now Are you craving something? Knowledge If you could have one thing right now what would it be? To not be guessing, to just know. Would you rather have ten kids, or none? 10 What do you hear right now? Heater kicking on Is your bed against more than one of your walls? No What’s on your mind right now? Everything that was in my last blog post. Plus my tummy really hurts Are you there for your friends? I think I am Last person to see you cry? Justin What do you do when you get nervous? twitch, over think things Be honest, do you like people in general? Depends on the people How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? lets....not talk about that. Does anyone completely understand you? Luke and Ally Do you have a reason to smile right now? If there is one, I can't think of it Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you? Indeed they have. Would you be happier if life had a rewind button? Yes. I could fix the things i've done, and smaller things would be fixed Do you tell your mum or dad everything? No Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes? It does. That would be why he's quitting. Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone? I hope not This time last year, can you remember who you liked? Yes I do Do you think more about the past, present, or future? depends on my mood How many hours of sleep do you get a night? well last night I got like 4. Are you easy to get along with? i'm friendly to some people. To others i come off as bitchy. does that answer your question? Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with? No. She's my sister and my best friend and I love her forever What was the last drink that you put in your mouth? H20 What size bed do you have? Queen. Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? Before. Waters gotta get warm Do you like the rain? Yes I do. Especially to dance Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? I'm sure someone somewhere is. Even if it's just a fleeting thought. Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do? Unfortunately Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither? Probably a goodie two shoes Who were you last in the car with, besides family? Justin, Jeff, and Whitney What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who? Sherlock Holmes 2 with my dad, sister, dads gf, and her daughters Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend? Yeah. Except I was that Girlfriend Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you? Sadly Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party? I don't live with my parents so this question is null and void. Do you regret a past relationship? My very first one yes. Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party? Concert Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over? Definately not Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry? Sadly :/ Do you care too much about your appearance? I don't think so? Are you a jealous person? I didn't think I was, but I figured out I am. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? Nope Do you miss anyone? Oh yeah Last person who made you cry? Me Does your ex piss you off? Not anymore What are you doing tomorrow? school, work Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week? no Is there anyone you want to come see you? Yeah there is Have you ever been cheated on? nope Ever given your all to someone who walked away? Oh yeah Do you like cotton candy? ew. food. Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with? Justin Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17? Can i knock someone up? If I can, alert the lesbians! there's a breakthrough in the medical field! Do you have siblings? A sister, step-sister, and step-brother Have you ever fallen asleep on someone? Yes I have How has the past week been for you? Shittiest week of my life Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? Yeah What’s on your mind right now? Didn't I already answer this question? What were you doing at midnight last night? writing a blog post I believe What is your current mood? Depressed Who was the first person you talked to today? Justin Will this week be a good one? It's not starting like It will be Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy? Coming back home Who were you with last night? Justin Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? No Next time you will kiss someone? Probably tonight Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy? either/ or Do you have any plans for the weekend? Work

See-Through Skies

I don't know why, but I feel invisible today. Just like nobody cares or wants me here. I basically had to fight tooth and nail to ride with Justin, Jeff, and Whitney today. There's no reason for that at all. "We don't have enough room" "You're not getting ready fast enough, we're going to be late." I feel like he's in a relationship with Jeff and Whitney instead of me too. He tells them things that boyfriends usually tell their girlfriends. But i'm his girlfriend, and the only way i'm hearing about them is cause i'm nearby when he says something about it. Betrenna was talking to me at our table and she just kept yapping on and on and on. I feel like i'm visibly depressed, and she didn't notice. Neither did Jeff, who is incredibly perceptive. Just yap yap yap. I don't know if I can hang out with these people anymore. They're not my friends, they're Justins. Something may have come up. And it can't be fixed if it's really there. My darling Flit knows what i'm talking about. I'm so scared. I can't deal with this right now, and I don't have the resources or the time to do so. I guess I'll find out over the next couple of months. Hopefully it's nothing. Dear god I hope it's nothing. I almost didn't get to sign up for classes today. I went in this morning all ready to go and learn and turn my grades around, and I have an unpaid amount from last semester. So even though I took the full $5,500 out, I still owed like $600. So I had to sign an agreement that said I would pay $50 from every paycheck until my amount was paid. So that's like the next 11 paychecks, or the next 5 1/2 months that I have to do that. Not happy about that. This one isn't going to end on a happy note either. I'm not even feeling a smidgen of happiness, or even hope for that matter. I have until the end of the month to find a new place and move out of this one. I can't believe we're just giving up on this house. That makes me sad too. So many memories over the last 4 months, gone. Anyways, I need to go do something else to get my mind off of things.

Transition Into Nighttime

School starts tomorrow. I don't wanna go. I don't even have my schedule made yet, so while school does indeed start tomorrow, I'll be in the counselors office making my schedule. /sigh

Maybe this semester will go better. I hope it does, I really do. I feel like a fucking failure after this last semester, so I need to do better, to redeem myself in my eyes. Prove to myself i'm not worthless.

I'm excited to see my life moving again. While it's just filled with work and school for now, I know there's going to be a turn somewhere soon. Hopefully for the better.

Like Luke, I've decided to let a "friend" go. Thing is, she's not my friend. I don't think she ever was. Mili and I have tried to get along because we lived together. But now that she's decided to move out with Justin, I've just had it. She steals the stuff from the house that doesn't belong to her, she lies and lies and lies, and she thinks she can get away with anything, because that's what her boss Diane is teaching her. She showed up fucking 2 hours late to work and didn't get written up because she "sounded sick" and then got to go home 2.5 hours later. NOT OK! In anyones book! She also has a crush on Justin, which pisses me off like no other, cause I'm sure when they got to Jeff and Whitneys house that night, she was just fawning all over him, making sure he was ok and making sure he knew she was available. I don't like that he's going to be living in the same house as she is. God, if I even hear of here trying to make a move on Justin, even if she's drunk at the time, there's going to be hell to pay. I'm through with her shit.

Let's see, what's positive that I can talk about?

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I guess i've got nothing. Justins coming over tonight. Yay? He's coming over to sleep since we have to be out of the house by 7. Not exciting. I'm definately not thrilled about waking up at 6:25 after going to bed at midnight. Especially since i've been waking up at like 11-12:30. Sad times right there.

I guess i'm not ending on a positive note. I tried, I really did. Sorry guys!

A Whole New World, A Whole New Me

Screw the day thing. Obviously I haven't been on for like a year, so whats the point in keeping that shit up?

I need a place to vent. While I'm sure Luke doesn't mind that I vent to him like all the time (especially these last couple of days), I don't always get all of my anger out. That and I have a bit of an anger issue and I think writing it down might help with that. I just don't want my thoughts and feelings about everything being posted on FB (no offense Luke!). People would actually read it and my parents would always be calling and asking whats wrong. Not my cup of tea.

I'm not engaged anymore. I never really felt like I was engaged before though, so that's not different to me. What's different is that for pretty much this whole week, I've spent the night by myself. Yes Luke has come over to perk me up and Justin has visited, but it's different. I sleep in a big bed by myself and I feel lonely all the time. It doesn't help that it feels like Justin really doesn't want to be here. I'm scared of losing him.

I've cried every single day this week. I hate crying. It makes me feel weak and useless. I'm losing what I thought was an amazing relationship. Yes, we're still together, but in my mind, we've been the happiest we ever were since I got back from Arizona with the exception of that one little bump the ones closest to me already know about.

But we're starting over. We jumped into things too soon. All this time left alone has made me realize that. We went from being 2,000 miles away and never seeing each other, to right next to each other and seeing one another every single minute of every single day. We also took on stressful things that I realize now we shouldn't have. Buying a house was a stupid move. We should have kept on renting, especially after we figured out Justin wasn't going to be keeping his job at Manpower/ Kiefer Built anymore.

I'm excited about the starting over. I'm going to miss Justin every moment he's not by my side, but this needs to be done. We're actually gonna go on dates, something I haven't done since I dated Ben over a year ago. Yes, Justin and I went on a couple of dates, but they weren't true dates. It was just I think we need to get out of the house and do something kind of deal. I'm also excited about living in my own place. A secret dream of mine that I was ready to let go of. I always wondered about what it would be like to live in an apartment, have your best friend live with you, etc. etc. etc. The college dorm live I guess you could call it.

I'm beginning to really love my job. Which sounds weird since I work at a Gas Station. Who says that? But I love the people I work with, I love our little drama, and the people we all collectively hate on (Todd, Brandee). But working there also means I might get to work with my bestie, who can always make me smile. He had me laughing and smiling and joking around the night that Justin decided that it was time to take a break. I don't just like looking forward to Luke though; Pam, Jan, Tami, Mary, and sometimes even Trixy make me excited to go to work. Every single one of these ladies makes me laugh like no other, and while we may not be BFFL like me and Luke, I know that when I work with them, I will have a good laugh at least 5 times that night.

I think I'll end this on a positive note tonight. Maybe i'll rant about things that i'm still upset about tomorrow. But Flit m'dear, i'm sure you're happy I started posting again so you have a reason to stalk my page now ;D