A Whole New World, A Whole New Me

Screw the day thing. Obviously I haven't been on for like a year, so whats the point in keeping that shit up?

I need a place to vent. While I'm sure Luke doesn't mind that I vent to him like all the time (especially these last couple of days), I don't always get all of my anger out. That and I have a bit of an anger issue and I think writing it down might help with that. I just don't want my thoughts and feelings about everything being posted on FB (no offense Luke!). People would actually read it and my parents would always be calling and asking whats wrong. Not my cup of tea.

I'm not engaged anymore. I never really felt like I was engaged before though, so that's not different to me. What's different is that for pretty much this whole week, I've spent the night by myself. Yes Luke has come over to perk me up and Justin has visited, but it's different. I sleep in a big bed by myself and I feel lonely all the time. It doesn't help that it feels like Justin really doesn't want to be here. I'm scared of losing him.

I've cried every single day this week. I hate crying. It makes me feel weak and useless. I'm losing what I thought was an amazing relationship. Yes, we're still together, but in my mind, we've been the happiest we ever were since I got back from Arizona with the exception of that one little bump the ones closest to me already know about.

But we're starting over. We jumped into things too soon. All this time left alone has made me realize that. We went from being 2,000 miles away and never seeing each other, to right next to each other and seeing one another every single minute of every single day. We also took on stressful things that I realize now we shouldn't have. Buying a house was a stupid move. We should have kept on renting, especially after we figured out Justin wasn't going to be keeping his job at Manpower/ Kiefer Built anymore.

I'm excited about the starting over. I'm going to miss Justin every moment he's not by my side, but this needs to be done. We're actually gonna go on dates, something I haven't done since I dated Ben over a year ago. Yes, Justin and I went on a couple of dates, but they weren't true dates. It was just I think we need to get out of the house and do something kind of deal. I'm also excited about living in my own place. A secret dream of mine that I was ready to let go of. I always wondered about what it would be like to live in an apartment, have your best friend live with you, etc. etc. etc. The college dorm live I guess you could call it.

I'm beginning to really love my job. Which sounds weird since I work at a Gas Station. Who says that? But I love the people I work with, I love our little drama, and the people we all collectively hate on (Todd, Brandee). But working there also means I might get to work with my bestie, who can always make me smile. He had me laughing and smiling and joking around the night that Justin decided that it was time to take a break. I don't just like looking forward to Luke though; Pam, Jan, Tami, Mary, and sometimes even Trixy make me excited to go to work. Every single one of these ladies makes me laugh like no other, and while we may not be BFFL like me and Luke, I know that when I work with them, I will have a good laugh at least 5 times that night.

I think I'll end this on a positive note tonight. Maybe i'll rant about things that i'm still upset about tomorrow. But Flit m'dear, i'm sure you're happy I started posting again so you have a reason to stalk my page now ;D