The Sunrise

These last couple of months have been extremely hard. I lost the person closest to me, have had never ending drama within my home and family, went through an extended financial crisis, and dealt with a general dislike towards my character.

None of these things are solved, and yet I feel an elated feeling of hope.

I got my first paycheck from Volt tonight; it was just under $400. I immediately came home and paid 3 bills. Tomorrow I will pay one more. I'll have enough money to pay for groceries, put some money into savings, get my oil changed, and put a tank of gas in my car. Things I've had to worry about on almost a daily basis. Next week I'll get another almost $400 from Volt and close to $200 from TR. I'll be putting money into my savings on a weekly basis. I can start paying people back, I can pay for Christmas presents, I don't have to worry about food or gas or rent anymore. That feeling is irreplaceable.

I've slowly been getting the person closest to me back. Things definitely aren't perfect and I'm not sure they ever will be the same, but we're connecting again and the elation I feel knowing that someone who understands exactly who I am and knows why I do the things I do is back in my life is fantastic. I don't have to explain myself and she understands everything.

Family and home drama never will end. As soon as you think things are going well, they go down hill. And I've never really cared about what people thought about my character. I have friends who love me and a honey that adores me. My grandmother, my little sister, and I am proud of me. While I'd like my parents and their significant others to be proud of me, It's not completely necessary.

My biggest feeling of happiness comes from my body. Going through my financial crisis, I had to cut out my greatest love: fast food. Doing that made me lose about 15 pounds. While I'm unsure on whether or not I've lost anymore weight, I know I am getting trimmer. While I've always liked that I'm a curvy woman, I always liked my curves more when I was skinnier. The combined weight loss and trimmer body means that a belt that had to go 2 notches in, doesn't fit anymore. It means that jeans that used to fit snugly are getting baggy, especially in the ass area.

When I moved into this house back in August, I gave away all my jeans that didn't fit anymore. I knew that the chances of me actually committing to working out were virtually impossible and I didn't think I would be losing weight at all. However, I kept one pair: my favorite skinnies from high school. On a whim, I tried them on tonight. The last time I put them on, I couldn't get them up past my ass. Tonight they buttoned around my waist. They're the painted on kind of skinnies, and while they are a little too snug for what I like, I'm going to be able to wear them again very soon.

My honey wants me to be his gym buddy. I was going to tell him no, but being able to fit into my jeans makes me hopeful that maybe I could be a little trimmer. My weight never bothered me. I wouldn't mind weighing 200 pounds, as long as I was fit,

Knowing all this feels like a sunrise to a long night. It feels hopeful and amazing and I want to revel in it forever. In this moment I feel peace.

I hope you feel peace too.

Welcome

What happens when you're no longer welcome in your own home.

What happens when you come home and no one asks how your day was like they used to.

What happens when the person you thought was your friend no longer concerns themselves with you.

I get that I've had a bad couple of months. My depression has hit me hard and it's hard to deal with. But what kind of friends are you to just avoid me? I'm finally coming out of my depression. I have stuff to keep me busy and in a matter of weeks, I'll be able to finally start paying off everyone who helped me out the last couple of months.

Some people are getting antsy about that. It's not like i'm shirking my responsibility. If I was spending my money on things I didn't need then sure, pester me all you want. But every dollar I've gotten in the last couple of weeks has gone towards bills, gas, groceries, and rent. I'm not going out every weekend and I'm not buying frivolous unnecessary things.

But to tell me that I shouldn't buy Christmas presents because I owe you money is bullshit. You don't get to tell me what I should and shouldn't do with my money. Christmas is an important holiday to me and to my family. I will be getting Christmas presents and you'll get your money a week later. Or maybe I just won't get you a Christmas present at all.



Thanks for being my friend. Really means a lot that I'm welcome in my own home.

Desires

Lately I've been restless. I want to run, explore, and create.

I want to run away from the things that haunt me. Run into adventure and excitement. Run into a feeling of complete bliss.

I want to explore the world around me. Explore everything with him. Go to the next town and explore every crook and cranny. Explore his home state; see the beauty that he paints for me whenever he talks about it. Find a pretty place in the woods to talk about our dream home. Discuss life and the future.

I want to create beautiful things. I want to make ornaments and meaningful things. I want to make dinner and sweets. I want to create things to put on the wall and things to use everyday.

I have no money, I have no time. These things will be done eventually. I won't have anything to run away from anymore. I'll be able to explore the world. With him and with friends. I'll create things. For myself and for others. For my children, for the future.

It'll all be okay one day.


At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Steps

It's been awhile since I've written. There's so much going on and yet so little at the same time. I feel like my days are non stop and then I look back and see how the day ebbed and flowed.

He came over last night. I was expecting it to be a night like any other but it changed. We're getting closer- no surprise there. We were watching videos and he had his head in my lap. Marley came over and was talking to you. Watching him interact with one of my closest friends like it's no big deal makes me insanely happy. You ask about how they're doing. They're just as much a part of your life as you are of mine. You were willing to give Anna guy advice even though you've only met her once because you knew how much I already liked her, so in turn you enjoyed her as well.

Your efforts make go unnoticed by others, but they definitely don't go unnoticed by me.

Marley mentioned that I had been especially snappy this week. Things happen when I'm stressed. You were upset because I hadn't talked to you about it at all. I didn't want to bother you with it since you were on vacation. We moved to the kitchen to talk some more and after Marley left, you brought it up again to make sure I was doing alright.

We went back to my room and while we were laying in bed, we were talking about our parents. I made a joke about meeting your mom some day, you didn't seem phased at all. I mentioned that you were going to have to come with me to my moms house sometime soon and you seemed vaguely excited.

Your mom noticed you visit me a lot. She asked if I was a Special friend or if you were just seeing me to get out of the house. You told her I make you happy. I mentioned that my parents know a bit more than that. You pressed and pressed until I told you.

My parents ask about the future. How serious are we? What about marriage? What about kids? Do you see yourself with him in the long run?

I didn't tell you any of the answers that I gave them. But you didn't ask for them either. Instead, we had a conversation about marriage and family. I told you my specifications for getting married and that ideally I want to be married at 25. We figured out the logistics of my specifications and figured out that it would take about 4 years for everything to pan out the way I want it to. We're almost at a year together and there's 3 years until my 25th birthday. That definitely didn't phase you at all.

The biggest thing though is that when I met you and we started this whole thing, you were adamant that you were never ever going to get married and you were going to have a vasectomy so you couldn't have kids. Last night, you said you wanted to get married to the right person some day. Someone who makes you happy and makes you laugh. Someone that you can just have fun with. And you want to have a family with that person.

In a year, I've turned around your opinion. You are starting to think you're worth it. You know you want to be with someone who makes you happy. You are agreeable to the idea of marriage and kids again, You're open for love.

You've invited yourself over this weekend. You're for sure staying the night. You told me before you left last night that you were already excited to come back because I make you so happy and we have so much fun together.

Everyday I love you more and more. It hurts that I can't tell you yet, But watching you open up and see yourself through my eyes is a beautiful thing and I wouldn't give that up for the world.

Mushrooms and Peppers

I was joking around when I asked you to come be my personal chef. "Tomorrow Night" you said.

You came over and made me chicken, mushrooms, and bell peppers. I don't really care for bell peppers but I ate them for you. You're actually a really good cook.

It was cute watching you cook. You turned on country music and were singing your heart out. Chopping up mushrooms, onions, and peppers like you were a fancy chef. It was one of the most romantic things anyone has ever done for me.

You kept ducking down to look at me under the cabinets and at one point you pulled me over and tried to waltz with me. We'll work on that one, but you can come cook for me anytime.

Tidbits

Nothing has really changed between us these last couple of weeks. Little tidbits just keep popping up that reassures me that this isn't a one sided thing.

Your birthday was just around 2 weeks ago and I got you a massage that you'd been wanting for awhile. You looked so much happier when your hour was up. We went to the mall to kill some time before our appointment and you really wanted ice cream. We ended up eating at a Fro Yo place and as we were sitting there talking, I took a small scoop of your yogurt cause I wanted to try the cheesecake flavor. You stopped for a minute and said "Did you just take some of my ice cream?" I told you yes and explained why and you told me that you didn't ever share your food with anyone. I offered an explanation and you told me that I didn't understand; that you were really protective over your food. Jokingly i said "aww well then I'm special." You just kinda smiled to yourself and looked away neither confirming nor denying.

Last Sunday when I showed up for my shift you told me I had to come see something. You were super excited about it which made me think you were just playing a prank on me. When you opened up the cooler door, my favorite flavor of monster was sitting there on the shelf. I asked you why later and you told me "I was just at the store getting some stuff for myself and I was thinking about you so I got you one."

When we were at work last night, you came over and gave me a hug. Nothing abnormal, you're pretty huggy now which is adorable. But when you pulled back, you had a look on your face I didn't recognize. I don't know what it was or what you were feeling and I can't get it out of my head. It was a small smile but it was more your eyes. Something in them I hadn't seen before. I saw the same face about 5 minutes later but haven't seen it since. You also helped me jump my car last night after I left the lights running all day like an idiot (seems to be a common occurrence....) When you called your brother to see if he had jumper cables, (I do but my trunk apparently runs on electricity and dead battery = no opening of the trunk. Also my key doesn't fit for some dumb reason?), you didn't tell him that your coworker or your friend needed them. It was "My girl."

You came over last night too. When you were leaving I stood at the door and watched you start your truck like I always do (it takes so long with everything you have to do and is funny to me). Usually when it starts is when I go back inside. I waited a little bit longer last night; I wanted to watch you drive away. You got into your truck and just looked at me for a bit. I laughed a bit and told you to go home. "Go inside honey" We went back and forth 2 or 3 times; one of those "no you hang up first" kind of moments. I caved and went inside but watched you drive away from the window. You saw me standing there still and gave me a wave before you left. It was sweet.

When we were working together tonight, you turned to me and said (no context) "you get to see the goofy side of me. What I was like before she hurt me." Fairly confused i just said "ok?" and asked if that was a good thing or a bad thing. You said it was a good thing and we had a fairly short conversation about that. It's more that you think about this kind of stuff when we're together. How you act around me and how you feel happier and like your old self.  I also started to notice tonight that you've started to stand in my way if I'm trying to pass you in the no camera zone. The only way to get pass you is to give you a kiss; kind of like a password. You also followed me around for almost a minute before I turned and asked what you were doing. You gave me a quick kiss and said "That's all I wanted" and went back to work.




You mean so much to me. You listen to me talk about my hatred for Frank (the co-worker not the stepdad) and the fascination I have with awesome personalized license plates (disl3xk was the one i saw today) I can bitch about my girls and how much I hate the customers and you just listen to me with the cutest little smile on your face. When I'm done you just tell me to give you a hug and then you lean back a bit and tell me to give you a kiss.

Maybe I was wrong about you being a teddy bear.

Dark Memories

We sat in the parking lot after work tonight. Had fun for about 20 minutes or so and then we got up. I assumed it was time for us to part ways, but I got a surprise instead. 

You started talking about them. And not just how you were excited to move there and see him again, but you confided in me. You told me about your relationship with her; your fears and how you imagined yourself being as a father. I didn't prompt you at  all; I don't feel it's my place to ask about them. You just turned to me and started talking to me about Father's Day and how much she had hurt you over the years. Stories and memories that shaped you into the man you are today. You finished talking about her and all the hurt and scars she had left and I just had to hug you. It almost slipped out then. Instead, I told you I thought you were a great guy and you didn't deserve any of what she does to you. I also confessed that if we were in the same situation, things would be very different.

You don't ever talk about them; at least not in great length. And definitely not about how you feel about all of it. You're a keep it to yourself kind of guy. 

I explained some of my relationship with my father; vented about her girls for a bit and how they don't understand why me and Pooka feel a bit more reserved around him. The biggest one though was Justin. I talked about our time together and the mistakes I had made with him. The pain and suffering I went through and how I changed over such a small course of time. 

We traded pain for pain. My heart hurts thinking about all that she put you through and still puts you through. I saw the pain as I talked about him and the lies that he told me. I think I got off a little easier; My time with him wasn't nearly as long as your time with her. That and I don't have to deal with him anymore. If you want to interact with your son, you have to deal with her. 

When I was done talking about him, you pulled me close and gave me a hug. You then pulled back a little bit and tried to make me smile. When I finally did, you got all smiley and said "Aw there it is." I made the ILY symbol with my hand placed it on your back. I'm still so scared to tell you, but I feel it's going to slip soon.

I'm not sure I need a label on our relationship anymore. Maybe that's just the aftereffects of tonight and I'll have a different opinion tomorrow. All I know is that you make me happy.

I'll help you carry your pain whenever you want.

Surprises

Tonight was my dad's wedding. It was good; this morning was really frustrating and exhausting, but the whole thing turned out fabulous.But that's not what I need to talk about tonight.

He told me he's decided to stay until August. Save up more money for the move, etc. Kind of surprised. Didn't really talk about it much when he told me since we were at the wedding, but when we got back to my place and were just laying in bed, I brought it up again.

He talked a little about his reasons why and I simply said: "Well I'll really miss you no matter what." He said he would too; and then added that if he was staying I'd "Already be his girlfriend."

Color me speechless. I just kinda went "Really?" Apparently I treat him really well, which isn't surprising to me.

So I don't really know how to feel at all.

But I do know that I need to go to bed.

Ice Showers and Whiskey

Your words have been ringing through my ears for days. It was Flit's birthday this weekend and even though you were sorta angry at me, you still came through for her and came to celebrate with us. You have no idea how much it means to me that you've made my friends yours. You even made peace with Mar just because she was my friend.

We made up, and had a really good time. We all were definitely feeling the alcohol, especially Flit. It really showed when she had a panic attack as we were putting her to bed. You sat with me as I tried to help her. When she got up later for water and just started crying, you hugged her and tried to comfort her. She is one of the most important people in the world to me, and it's extremely important that anyone I see gets along with her. You've gone pretty much above and beyond. 

After Flit's second panic attack, she asked to be put in the tub for a cold shower. I helped her in, turned on the water and when she asked for a moment alone I sat out in the hall for a minute to breathe. You came over, cupped my face in your hands, made me look at you and said "You're beautiful. And such a great friend. Don't give up, go in there and help her. If you need help, let me know. I'll be out here for you."

It was exactly what I needed. I went back and helped her for awhile longer. I decided she was fine, and we went to go lay down in my room. Just talking and joking around, you suddenly got this serious look on your face and said "You're so very pretty. And you don't even know." You giggled a bit and finished it off with "I really, really like you." 

You stayed over that night. Cuddled with me all night long, and didn't mind me tossing and turning. You looked sad to go the next morning and was really happy to see me the next day at work. 

I think you're starting to see what I see. Too bad there's only a month left. 

X-men

So tomorrow night, I have a date. Or later tonight since it's quarter to 3. It's with one of my regular customers. And I'm so goddamn nervous about absolutely everything that has to do with this date. From the shoes i'm going to wear, to the amount of money i'm willing to let him spend on me.

The big kicker for me is that I've seen him 2-3 times a week for over a year now and we've never had a conversation. Not even a real hi/ bye situation. I ask him what kind of sandwich he wants, tease him for getting the same thing every time, or act shocked if he gets something different. Then he gets moved on down the line. That's it.

And then last week out of the blue he asks if I want to go see a movie with him. I agreed, obviously. We spent the weekend hammering out the details, I went shopping for a new outfit, and then I've spent the last couple of days completely freaking out about the same thing.

I'm not as nice in person as I am at work. He is basically a complete stranger to me; what do we talk about? Should I be professional or myself. What if he doesn't like me? What if what if what if.

I realized today as I was cleaning the corner he sits in that I don't even know what he smells like. Such a basic scent. Not that important. But what if I don't like how he smells? The deodorant he wears? What if he looks weird without the hat that he usually has on? What does he look like in normal clothes? Because when he's at Subway, he's on his work break.

If things don't go well, what happens at work? How is this going to translate into my professional life?


what if.

Lang Leav

Lost Things

Do you know when you've lost something-like your favorite T-shirt or a set of keys- and while looking for it, you come across something else you once missed but have long since forgotten? Well whatever it was, there was a point where you decided to stop searching, maybe because it was no longer required or a new replacement was found. it is almost as if it never existed in the first place- until that moment of rediscovery, a flash of recognition. 

Everyone has one- an inventory of lost things waiting to be found. Yearning to be acknowledged for the worth they once held in your life.

I think this is where I belong- among all your other lost things. A crumpled note at the bottom of a drawer or an old photograph pressed between the pages of a book. I hope someday you will find me and remember what I once meant to you.

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I had my first dream about you last night.

Really? She smiles. What was it about?

I don't remember exactly, but the whole time I was dreaming, I knew you were mine.

Clocks

I should be ecstatic right now. He said he would go with me to my dads wedding. I asked him weeks ago and he finally gave me his answer tonight. And then he mentioned leaving again.

I'm happy he's going with me. But with the wedding just about a month away, that means that him leaving is not much farther off either. He decided he was moving for sure; she gave him an ultimatum that he couldn't ignore.

All I hear is clocks ticking. Time passing that I can never get back. All I want is to pause it and spend eternity with him. But we've got maybe 2 months left together and then he's gone. Probably forever. He'll have new struggles out there and there won't be time for me.

What do I do when he's gone? He has such a profound effect on me. Like i'm jealous now; and I've never been a jealous person before.

We hired someone new a couple weeks ago and she started today. Young and pretty with long blonde hair. She has a tongue piercing and she can feed his tobacco addiction when he doesn't have enough money to supply it. She's 19. His age cutoff is 21 because of the generation gap. I know she's not what he's described as what he likes in a girl. But watching them interact today just filled me with jealousy and anger. I'm worried that he'll find her more desirable and "leave" me.

tick tock.

Rolling Eyes

You're back from your weekend with them. It seemed to take a lot longer than 4 days but I'm glad you're back. You came and visited me at work the night you got back; or I assume that's what it was since I highly doubt you missed the CBR that much while you were gone. He walked to you when you got there and he's started saying "Dada." Your eyes get so bright when you talk of him. Your smile, so wide.

We worked together last night. You kept telling me that you missed me and pulling me into that hidden area away from the cameras to just hold me and give me little kisses. And then after work we sat out by my car just talking and telling stories. Punctuating the ends of our sentences with more kisses.

I was telling you about my insecurity with my eye; that I never know when it's moving around and I don't know how it looks to people or what people think about it. You told me you don't ever really notice it anymore and you never thought it was weird or made me less attractive. You even told me a story about laying in bed with me and I yawned. You watched my eye move around and it made you laugh a little bit but you thought it was cute.

You have no idea how happy that made me. I honestly couldn't care less about what people think about me or how I look, but for some reason my eye really bothers me. And you just accept that the movement happens. I didn't even tell you about being blind until semi-recently so it's not like you even knew the reason behind it. You just accepted it, and that really means a lot.

I think you're definitely leaning more into relationship territory now. You try to sneak kisses and I always see you watching me at work. You called me Sweetie before you left and Honey when you got back. And you sent me a kissy face when we were texting tonight. I feel like the names and the emoticon shouldn't be as big a deal as I'm making them out to be, but this is new territory. We don't have pet names for each other; we don't send the kissy face at all.

I want this to happen more than anything. I wonder if you're waiting until one of us leaves Subway though so we don't have to hide anymore. You have that Janitor job and I might be doing an internship. Which I really hope I get. I dunno.

Like my friend likes to say: "If only I had a crystal ball."

Relief and Guilt

He might be staying. Let me repeat that. HE MIGHT BE STAYING!

It all depends on what happens with his baby momma when he goes up there in 2 weeks. If she wants to talk and the talk goes well, he's going. If she refuses to talk and make a plan with him, he's staying.

I want him to stay so so much. But at the same time, I know he really wants to be with his son.

Even if he doesn't stay, he's pushed back his supposed moving date uantil the end of June. He also offered to go to my dad's wedding with me as support against my step-sisters. I'll probably take him up on that offer.

That is all

Roads

I've been thinking about my future lately. And today it was really weighing on my mind. I'm working towards my future career, so not much I can change about that. My big thing is my love life.

Where am I going to go after he's gone? I've got just about 2 months left with him. And then what? It's so hard for me to make friends, let alone go out on a date with someone.

I have what people refer to as resting bitch face. My natural, neutral face makes me seem unapproachable. In fact, I can't think of a single time that I've been approached in public. Everybody that has hit on me, has known me for awhile. Whether seeing me at work all the time and learning that i'm not what my face projects or what idk.

And even as a sort of self defense mechanism, until I get to know you a little better, I come off as an elitist bitch as well. I don't know how to make small talk, I feel like i'm getting all up in your business. I cannot keep a conversation going to save my life. And it seems like i'm uninterested.

That's really hard to work around.

Where is the road going to go after he leaves? Will I be alone for the rest of my life?  I realize that it's probably unlikely; someone else will come along, but I can't help but worry.

A Night in my Mind

Show up on my doorstep out of the blue. Talk about that truck, it makes your eyes light up so. Reach out for my hand without realizing it and continue joking about the little things. Realize we're holding hands and let go; you didn't mean for me to mean this much to you. It feels empty without you, but I know you'll be back soon.

Put your hands on my waist; I can feel your heat through my shirt. Pull me in close, just a hair away. All I smell is coconut and all I see is the happiness in your eyes. I could get lost in their depths, they see through my soul.

Pretend to bite my neck, it's my favorite game. I'll say no and try to turn away. You're stronger than me and keep me in place. You pull back a bit and smile; it warms up your face. But now you're too close; I can't hold back anymore. 

You're not much taller than me, but to my tippy toes I go. My eyes on your lips, I giggle a little bit. I go in for a light kiss. Perfection. Still on my toes, still too close. I look up through my eyelashes, your eyes are closed. A smile on your lips. 

I stay there for a second, not daring to breathe. My heart pitter patters; is this what love is? I go in for another kiss, I can't resist. Better get my fill, soon you'll be gone. Don't think of that now.

You deepen the kiss. I wrap my arms around your neck. No longer a hair away, I feel free. Amazing it seems, that this is all meant for me.

You're not really here. These visions play out all in my mind. Why can't this be easier? Do I really have to lose you? 

I'm wearing your shirt tonight. The plaid one I'm sure you have a dozen of. You don't know it's here. I'll never tell you. 

I knew I loved you long before he said anything. You felt like home so early on, how could I not? But how to admit it; how to tell you? Should I tell you? 

Questions with no answers. A riddle with no key. 

I guess we'll just have to see. 

Stick Shift

You came over again last night. We watched a movie, went out for food, and just cuddled and talked. You told me that I'm the one who you tell everything to. It doesn't really seem like it to me, but maybe it's cause we don't talk about her or your son. I'd love to hear about them sometime if you ever want to talk about them. More him, less her.

I also asked you to teach me how to drive stick shift. We'll see if it actually happens, but it would be a good thing for me to learn. Plus you like feeling manly and being smarter than me with all of the car stuff. And I would get to spend time with you which is always fun.

We've become more domestic these past couple of weeks; which is weird since I hardly ever see you outside of work. But when we're at work, you like to lightly touch me when you walk by; more of a caress really, and you've taken to giving me kisses on my cheek when there aren't people around. It's sweet really.

I tried to look nice for you yesterday since i knew we were going to spend time together. Spent extra time on my hair and makeup, put on yummy lotion. I even wore a dress cause I know you like how they look on me. "Wow you look really pretty tonight. Like really pretty." At least my efforts were appreciated. That's always nice.


On a different note, I've started working out a bit again. Doing some crunches and mountain climbers. I'm not telling anybody this time around though that way if I end up stopping yet again, nobody else will know that I suck except for me. I don't want to be thin, I just wanna be trim again. Maybe I'll have kept it up and lost enough wait by the next time you come over that you'll be so excited that you...do something? I dunno. I'm doing this for me, but your reaction and support would be greatly appreciated. Plus how great of an ego boost would that be that you wouldn't be able to keep your hands off of me?

huge.

Button Up

You left your shirt here the other night. It still smells like you and I don't want to take it off. I probably won't tell you that you forgot it. I'll just continue to wash and wear it. I'll be sad when that coconut smell wears off though.

You stayed the night again. I never could fall asleep on someones chest, but not only did I fall asleep on yours, I stayed there all night. When I woke up the next morning, I just snuggled closer. Still half asleep you wrapped your arm tighter around me and gave me a little kiss on my forehead. I can't imagine anything more blissful.

When we worked together that night, I went outside and sat down on the concrete. I don't like being cooped up in that store for so long. And it gets almost stifling with you teasing and talking to me. I just want to touch you constantly, and it's hard to resist. We were talking about the story you told me last week and how much it was messing with my thought process. I turned my back on you cause you were acting weird and you came up behind me, wrapped your arms around me, and pretended to eat my face and neck. And then planted kisses everywhere you had play-bitten.

After Frank left that night, you just randomly turned to me and said "You make me a happier person. I'm just a lot happier when you're around." Whenever I'm grumpy about a customer, you sit there and pester me until I smile, and it's adorable. When we left that night, you stopped me and gave me a couple of kisses before we had to go home.

And today when I was all moody you tried so hard to make me smile. I wasn't feeling it today, too many hormones at play this time. But I appreciate the effort nonetheless. I apologized later for my grumpiness.

Why does it feel like home whenever you hold me in your arms? My mind has been projecting you into my happy place. I can't love you. You leave in 4 months. But my 3 closest friends seem to think that  I definitely love you. If I am, do you reciprocate?

Check yes or no.

Sally Mae

These past couple of weeks have been different. You've been more talkative and open. It's really nice, but it seems strange at the same time. I'm not used to talking to you this much. Last Friday, we had a conversation about how people thought we were dating even though we're just really good friends at this point. These interactions are making me think you may want differently:

I thought it was weird that you wanted me to eat lunch with you when I got off work on Friday (Valentines day no less) and we ended up talking for an hour. You gave me a kiss on my cheek when we parted ways. You also invited yourself over for the weekend.

You were supposed to come over Saturday night after you got off work, but a couple of things came up. Instead of rescheduling for next weekend or something, you wanted to know if you could come over Sunday night instead. That seemed really strange, especially since we were going to work for 6 hours together before you were gonna come over. But I agreed because I wanted to see you.

So you came over last night. We were kinda cuddling on the couch talking with Flit and her guy and you brushed my hair back, even though it wasn't in my face at all. You kept kissing me on the forehead and on the top of my head. Don't get me wrong, it was really nice and comforting, I just don't really know what to think anymore. You also kept wrapping your arms around my waist whenever we were standing. Again, really nice and comforting, but now i'm confused.

You were also really touchy feely when we went outside to goof off like we usually do on Sunday nights. You just kept hugging me. And you pinned me down and started tickling me.

The most confusing part though was when you came into work today. You bought a truck, and you wanted to come show me. That was actually a thought that passed through your mind. I don't think it was to show everybody, because you could have just come in at 3 for your shift and just told people about it and showed pictures on your phone. But you walked through the door and the first thing you did was find me, lock eyes, and hold up a key so I could see it. I didn't understand and I didn't really get to see your truck since we were busy, but now that I know, it's kind of a "Duh" moment.

I just want us to be more than friends. It feels like we are. You kiss me like you want me as more than a friend, and you keep talking about doing things together. I hope we get to do them. Take me for a ride in your new truck, throw a baseball around with me. Let's go to a country bar and two-step. I'll listen to you sing Karaoke and be the envy of all the girls that want you. Because when we're together outside of work, you're not afraid to kiss me and wrap your arms around me.

Do you see what I see?

10

I'm up to double digits now. 2 more piercings done today. I got my nipples done about 4 hours ago and it went much better than I thought it would. It's just now that they throb.

I asked you to go with me, not expecting that you would. But you did, and you even offered to hold my hand while she was doing it. I would have let you but I knew you weren't allowed to be near the chair.

You also didn't mind being stuck in a car with me for an hour while we dealt with traffic. It was nice having you supporting me and comforting me.

But yeah, 10 piercings now. and I'm still not done :)

Flogging Molly

I'd been feeling doubtful lately. It just didn't seem like we were connecting like we usually do. I actually ended up crying about it yesterday because it felt like you were done but weren't going to tell me.

I went into work today expecting to enjoy your company but not have the same banter as we usually have. I was right about both, but that's because our banter was more involved than usual. Not only that but it seemed like you really needed to be close to me.

Me doing dishes, you come over to drain something and standing so close your arm is firmly touching mine. There's more than enough space for you to not have to do that. Me standing at the wash sink and you come up behind me to grab gloves and being so close I can almost feel your chest rising against my back. Me standing at the register, you writing dots on the divider just a hair away.

You were flirty and we talked about things that mattered to us, like tattoos and our plans for them. We played with the water, spraying each other and laughing until our tummies hurt. We were cleaning up and you randomly came over and stood almost chest to chest with me and handed me one of your headphones. "This is the kind of music I like listening to"

You stole glances when you thought I wasn't looking. Peripherals are great for noticing. I pretended not to notice for you, but had to smile when I saw the smile spread across your face every time you looked.

My hope is renewed and i'm sure i'll have dreams about us tonight. I can't wait to see you tomorrow and I hope I see you outside of work this weekend. Maybe you'll take me to a country bar like you promised or maybe we'll just hang out here.

Either is fine, as long as I'm with you

Alone Again

You came over again last night. I was worried that you were losing interest after the last time you came over, but last night has revitalized my hope. Kind of.

After a couple of drinks, we went out back and were playing with the dog. We talked about your schooling and somehow got on the topic of two-step. You decided to teach me how to dance it since I didn't know. Turns and all. And then you just kept chatting with me while we danced. Apparently the next time we hang out, we're gonna go to a country bar so we can dance and you can karaoke.

I decided to play the piano while I was tipsy. You sat next to me and watched and listened intently when I told you a piece of his chapter. You traded my story with one of your own and in that moment we were both vulnerable.

I took a walk with you and Flit around the block. I'm glad you two get along. Pocahontas and I haven't been friends long enough for me to seriously value her opinion on who I like, but you and Flit not getting along would break whatever relationship we have.

The night climaxed and we fell asleep together. You kept my blankets warm for me. It was nice not being a tiny bit cold all night long. I'll have to deal with that again tonight. And I woke up this morning to your handsome face. I definitely could get used to that but it'll be weeks if it ever actually happens again.

So now i'm alone again. Big bed all to myself and no one to fall asleep and wake up to. I'll be lonely in the coming week or so, but i'll get used to being by myself again. Hopefully sooner than I think.

The Story of Hank Williams

He started out as a smiley face on a note that said "Cheer up, Buttercup." Together, we expanded on him. I named him Hank, you gave him the last name of Williams.

I thought he was adorable as is, but then you had to bump in with him.

I wanted him to be the 3rd but when you decided to give him more than just a pretty face, you renamed him Jr. Something about country singers, fathers, and sons. 

Today, I gave him a little song to sing and a Spanish word. He's also apparently a mini now. 

So that's the story of Hank Williams Jr. I also realized I spelled vaquero wrong later on in the day and corrected it. I really hope nobody erases him, cause he's adorable.

The Reappearance of Miyagi

So he's been back for about a week now. And I'm really happy. I knew I missed him, I just didn't know how much I really missed him.

He didn't shave at all when he was on vacation, so when he got back he had some nice scruff going on. He either had to shave it or trim it for work and his original plan was to shave it off but after I mentioned that I liked it, he decided to trim it.

He told me that my eyes are mesmerizing when I wear eyeliner. The black line just brings you straight to my eyes and the brown keeps you in I guess?

If we're at work, I can look up at him, and 75% of the time he's already looking at me. And he's not embarrassed at getting caught looking at me. He'll even hold my gaze for a minute before going back to work.

I was washing my hands the other day and he touched me as he walked by. Usually when he touches me at work, it's to tickle me, but when he touched me then, it was more of a caress. It just feels so natural to be touched by him.

This boy drives me crazy. He's coming over this weekend and I'm really excited.

Drunk Blogging

Alrighty so it's January 1st. And I'm gonna start of this new year by bitching. Cause I've been drinking and i've had enough of this bullshit.

SO. My dad is dating this lady. Two of her daughters are in town for the holidays (the third one lives here full time). Last night, I get a Snapchat about how they're out at a show/ drinking "with the fam." I was not there. Nor was I invited. That peeved me.

I also found out yesterday that my dad was going to propose to said lady tonight. I get another Snapchat from one of her daughters saying "#FU for not being here." Oh, I'm sorry that I don't want to be out driving on the night that everybody decides to drive drunk. I'M TRYING TO BE FUCKING SAFE. so excuuuuuse me. Super pissed at this point, and it didn't help that I had been drinking when she sent me that. I sent her a snap back. Not my finest moment, but I don't care right now.

I get that i'm the black sheep of this 7 person family, but there's no reason to act this way towards me. I generally try to be nice to my family. But girl, if you start swinging, don't expect me to just stand there and take it; I'll be swinging right back at you.




Also, I really miss him and I'm super excited for him to be back on Thursday. And then I get to see him Sat-Tues  :)

Good Night all! Happy 2014